Adjustments

This past Friday night I stayed in home alone, did the cliché thing and ordered Chinese. I had been invited to go out for drink with a couple people from human resources but I have decided though to put my social night life on reserve for now. I did make the exception though to see this new mall that just opened outside of the city. I say make an exception, but really after my last tease of a shopping experience in this city how could I refuse. I was invited by two exceptionally fashionable colleagues Cherri (Cher), The HR administrator and Jacquie from accounting. Since it was opening weekend the wake up call was set for 7:30 am Saturday morning with an eta of 9:00. So I resolved to stay home and conserve my bad habits for tomorrow, as I had already indulged in matters of plastic this week. Of course for purposes of necessity though. Having moved here with nothing but clothes did create a demand for certain household items.

On Wednesday I finally received my purchases from Koolhaus Designs to furnish my living room; a ‘Conrad’ arm chair and ‘Caldo’ side cube. I had already used what was left of the money from the sale of my car to pay for my new bed so the chair and table had to go on plastic. I felt so horrible when I signed the receipt. It felt like a crime to be buying such expensive furniture and putting it back on credit like I would always do. How could I be hit so hard by my carelessness to be repeating the same actions again? “It was necessary though wasn’t it?” I wondered, sitting in my new chair on Friday night alone, my legs slumped over the arm, my #14, steamed rice and a glass of red on my cube. My deeming of the spending as “necessary” collapsed in on me as I finally accepted the knowledge I already was aware of… “Idiot” I called myself, “If you were going to start up all over again why have you even moved here?” Why did I move here? Why did I abandon everything? Just because of some…. Well a lot of very drastic debt? Certainly I had been in similar situations before but I was working when that happened and could always just slowly pay it down. I moved to start fresh. Even if I had stayed, got a new job, even still sold my car, paid off my debt and stayed…I would have always stayed exactly where I was in my life. Having this opportunity, is it maybe a chance to gain a little more substance. I think I am at capacity when it comes to style so what else could it be? This optimism doesn’t typically suit me though, I brush the charges off as a slip, every recovering addict has atleast one. Justifying anything is a special skill I have, besides I always have good intentions even when I do slip up.

My blackberry rang at 10:30 Saturday morning; it was Jacquie calling to say she would be at my place in an hour to pick me up. She had gone out with the office staff last night and slept in. I ran through the shower, threw on my face, flat ironed the hair, pulled on a pair of True Relig. Boot cuts and black tank. When Jacquie called again to notify me she was out front, at the door I looked down, “still the same three pairs I arrived with” I thought, astonished actually I still haven’t bought a new pair yet. I chose the black leather McQueen Ankle boots I got in Vegas last year. However much I loved these shoes it was still a bit of a disappointment to put them on. I had worn them every day this week. That never happens. I had made up my mind, my mission today: SHOES!

On the way out of the city, we made one quick stop off first. Have you ever seen that infomercial for hair removal where it is a round pad that ‘buffers’ your hair away? Well Jacquie swears by it and needed to stock up. We pulled off the hiway and up to Deerfoot Mall, the three of us went in, decided we would grab a coffee while we were there. The mall was quiet, not a lot of traffic. We grabbed our coffee from the food court, headed down to the kiosk and Jacquie bought her ‘buffers.’ Cher asked if I wanted to take a look around since I had never been there before. I was completely blown away, considering the shopping I am accustomed to I wouldn’t have thought I’d find anything in this mall. We hit up Mexx and I found this really cute denim skirt, would look brilliant with this black mock turtle neck I have and couple pair of high waisted trousers. Picked up two pairs of shoes from Sterling, both stilleto’s of course, I have a minimum three inch requirement when it comes to shoes. Scored a cute cropped three button vest at Smart Set. Then a belt, bag and a couple blouses from Winners. After three hours of shopping I walked out spending just under 300.00. Once again I felt the rush and the high from instant gratification, the glamorous feeling of walking around a mall with multiple bags venturing to attain even more. I was actually quite impressed I managed 3 outfits and 4 pair of shoes under five hundred. It was a great experience, the best part was the traffic in the mall. No one was cutting me off, hitting me with their bags, no long line ups, crying children or the blended murmur of numerous conversations drowning out the music being played from overhead etc.

I do have one confession though, while in Winnners I was rummaging through one rack with this cute casual green knit empire waist day dress, they didn’t have it in my size though, so while Cher tried a few things on and Jacqui browsed around I waited to see if any of the employees at the store would restock. So I was browsing around, keeping a close eye on the dress. Finally after about 30 minutes one of the store employees placed a single dress back on the bar. I darted between the other women in the store, YES! It was a small, grabbed the hanger and turned. I was met with resistance, my arm pulled back from an opposing force. I turned back to see another woman with her hand on the other sleeve of my dress. At this point I was tired, my feet sore and my adrenaline rushing from a day of spending. I gave my opponent a deadly glare, “It’s mine!” I said as calmly as possible. It didn’t register what she said back to me but it didn’t matter, I wasn’t giving this up. I tensed my grip, pulled a bit towards me and shouted in her face “I have been shopping all day, my feet hurt I’m tired and have waited 30 minutes for this dress. SO JUST LET GO!!!” she did of course. A few other shoppers in the store took a couple steps back as I turned and marched towards the line for the till.

It was about 3:30pm Cher was tired, Jacquie was hung over, so we decided to call it a day and go the new place another day. On our way out of the mall we passed by fitness source, just like the incident with the dance lessons, I pictured myself a yoga mat and instructional DVD playing in the middle of my living room. “Yoga? Could I be one of those girls?” I was in such a good mood though and the thought of further shopping at a new, larger mall put personal fitness to the back of my mind, I could always come back another day.

Now (Sunday) I sit again home alone, in my apartment. My purchases sprawled out across my living room in the places where furniture and accent pieces should be. Watching Miss Universe; Kosovo was absolutely immaculate. Fantastic hair, stunning gown (she should have won). I gush over having options now for footwear. Pondering which outfit to wear for work tomorrow. Trying to ignore the buyers remorse and the sinking feeling of guilt and fear that I might have already dug myself into another hole. I continually tell myself I did better than I would have before, I should be proud I spent so little and got so much. Like I said I can justify anything… in the moment… I suppose when you radically change and move on to a new stage of your life your mind goes into some sort of “shock.” Still what lingers a little is not what I bought, or couldn’t buy, nothing to do with the sheer materialism of it but behind that the aspect of letting go. “’Give up the ghost’ Rachel” I told myself and turned off the TV
Xo Rachel